


True Happiness

by Bom_Bidi_Bom



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Fix-It of Sorts, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e20 Carry On, Reunions, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:55:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28135038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bom_Bidi_Bom/pseuds/Bom_Bidi_Bom
Summary: Dean is dead. For real this time; not some half-way death, not some sacrifice or as some plan to talk to a Reaper or get an audience with Death. He is dead dead. And he’s happy with it. He is happy. Or he should be happy. Heaven is life… ebbing and flowing; only it’s without the social pressure of life on Earth. There are no bills or jobs; no stress and crime. It’s bliss. Or it should be...…But it’s not because Dean can't ignore the one glaring truth; the one thing that is missing.Cas!Dean gets to go to Heaven, but he can't be happy because he can't stop thinking about the last conversation he had with Cas, before everything went pear-shaped. He needs to find Cas and make things right. He has to tell Cas the truth.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	True Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> So I finally watched the season 15 finale and let me just tell you, I had A LOT of feelings. This was a product of my conflicted emotions. I am still emotionally distraught from this show but I just had to write this. I had to do this. I know this finale has people feeling all kinds of ways. I hope you like this, and if you don't that's okay too. Please consider leaving kudos and a comment. I would love to hear opinions about the finale. Hope you enjoy!

Dean is dead. For real this time; not some half-way death, not some sacrifice or as some plan to talk to a Reaper or get an audience with Death. He is dead dead. And he’s happy with it. He is happy. Or he should be happy. Heaven isn't the crapfest it was when he and Sammy visited previously. It isn't just regurgitated memories and reminiscing past times. It’s multiple people, real people, and it’s his people. Heaven is life… ebbing and flowing; only it’s without the social pressure of life on Earth. There are no bills or jobs; no stress and crime. It’s bliss. Or it should be... 

…But it’s not. He has his parents a stone throw away. And his brother has eventually made his way to him. He has Bobby and Charlie and Ellen and Jo and really everyone that was his family at one point. His son, in every sense of the word, except biology is running the joint but Dean can't ignore the one glaring truth; the one thing that is missing. 

Cas!

Bobby made some off-hand comment about Cas helping Jack make Heaven what it is. But Dean hasn’t gone to find the Angel yet. Is he still even an Angel? Cas hasn’t made the effort to find him either. Why hasn’t Cas come to find him? Even as he thinks it, he knows why. He remembers the words Cas told him. He can recall Cas’ face, his lips as he spoke, tears gleamed his eyes as he told Dean, “I love you!” 

And what did Dean do? 

Nothing! He did nothing. It’s always extremes with him. He either does everything wrong. “Something always goes wrong,” “why is that something always you?” Or he does nothing at all. Watching Cas walk into lake. Leaving Cas in Purgatory. Letting Cas leave the bunker when he was human. Not stopping Cas when he chose to leave the bunker after their fight. 

The moments of sadness hits him when he is most happy. Reminding him, when he is at his most vulnerable; when his guard is down. It creeps in, burrows itself in his body, his bones stinging in pain. When he is fishing with Bobby, or having a beer with Sam. When he is making pie with mom or fixing the Impala. His heart betrays him, reminding him that Cas should be there. He deserves to be there, present, and in that moment. And when Dean grasps that the Angel isn’t there, realisation thrums in his veins, that Dean that will never truly be happy until he is. 

And that’s the crux of it…true happiness. That’s what Cas said. The deal he made. The Empty will only come for Cas when he is truly happy; to rip that happiness right at the moment of its cognisance. He can’t imagine Cas’ struggle with wondering what his true happiness would have been. But Dean, now knowing that to Cas, true happiness was simply telling Dean he loves him, of acknowledging his feelings for Dean, and Cas feeling like it was a definite concept that Dean never had feelings in return, was incapable of feeling those feelings in return and still being happy to share his feelings; that made Dean feel sick. He was disgusted at himself; that his behaviour, his treatment of Cas led Cas to think he had meant so little to Dean. 

And it was Dean’s fault wasn’t it. He stood there, gaping like a fish when Cas was saying all these things to him. His face frozen in shock at the words directed him. Complimenting him, telling him how he, Dean meant so much to a person that it changed them entirely. He should have said something back! Anything at all! Acknowledged Cas’ journey and courage. Because in that moment Cas was the bravest person he knew. He should have told him that. Been more open with Cas, just been more. 

But the thing is Dean’s never been in love, not really. He doesn't understand bone crushing romantic love. He has never felt like there was one person, to offer him completion and solace the way his mother was for his father, of understanding how hard it would have hurt Bobby to kill his wife or anything remotely related to marriage and commitment. But he knows the pain of losing Cas. He’s knows the utter futility he felt when he saw Lucifer plunge an angel blade into Cas, and seeing the grace leave his body. He remembers the misery of life after Cas; after watching him walk into the lake and become nothing; of leaving him behind in Purgatory, of worrying about him when he was human. But all those times; all that pain didn’t compare to the agony of seeing Cas be consumed by the Empty. The hopelessness he felt in that moment, that acute and distinct throbbing in every part of his body. In that very moment, Dean understood love. When he was the only person left in the room, lying haphazardly against cold brick, his shoulder burning from Cas’ last touch he admitted to himself; that he always loved Cas. And the hurt he felt in that moment; that was another kind of hopelessness. It was so typically Dean to come to a realisation of that magnitude at the exact moment it was stolen from him.

“Dean, find him! Talk to him.” Sam tells him one evening. Well it feels like an evening. Time is relative in Heaven. It all feels recent to Dean, like it just happened. But he does not know how much time has passed for Cas. He doesn’t know what Cas feels now. He doesn’t even know if Cas is in Heaven. Bobby told him Cas helped create this Heaven but nothing more beyond that. 

What if Dean is ready to talk to Cas, and Cas is gone again. Like every time before. No! Cas never abandoned him. Cas has always been there, for Dean, through his darkest times. 

The truth is Dean was scared. Cas deserved to have Dean to fight for him, in the same way Cas always fought for Dean. He deserved Dean’s effort and affection. Except all he got was Dean’s anger and moodiness. He got the Dean that blamed Cas for Mary, Jack and everything else wrong in their lives. And Cas didn’t deserve that. He is man enough to admit that. But he doesn’t know where to begin making up for that. 

But he has to try. If anything, Dean owes Cas an opportunity to try. Which is why he prayed to Jack, asking about finding Cas. He’s known where Cas was for a while now but can’t find it in him to go to him. He can admit that he needs to make it right with Cas but he can’t get to the point of taking the step towards Cas.

In the end its Bobby telling him not to be an idjit and prolong his suffering any longer. 

He finds Cas in a garden, bottle in hand, squirting water onto yellow flowers. The plants surround him, sunlight casting an ethereal glow. And then Dean sees his face as he turns his head to glance at Dean. It hits Dean. That this is Cas. He is beautiful and there. He is alive! And it is that last thought that gets him moving. He doesn’t comprehend what he is doing until its already done and he is wrapping his arms around the Angel, clutching at the back of his tan coat in a vice grip. 

And all he is feels is relief. He sags into that feeling, into Cas. He doesn’t speak. Not yet. Not even he can come up with the appropriate words. So he settles on revelling in the feeling of being surrounded by Cas. Because now, after seeing him, Dean finally feels complete. Seeing Cas is like finally giving himself the permission to relish in having everyone else back. Having Cas back makes having everyone else more worth it somehow. He knows he would have never truly been happy if he got to Heaven, surrounded by everyone that is his family, but not have Cas. Of thinking of Cas stuck in a vast abyss. It would have wrecked Dean, to think he and Sammy could get a semblance of a happy ending while Cas got nothing. Because the truth of the matter was, Cas deserved a happy ending just as much as he and Sam. 

“Hello Dean!” Cas breaks the silence with a whisper, and dislodging himself from the embrace, his voice is wary and his face unsure. 

“Cas you’re here. You’re alive.” Dean responds, a smile emerging, bright and uninhibited, blinding in its genuineness. Dean can’t think beyond… Cas is here! He can see him, and touch him. He is real!

“Well not really, but I understand your point. You are here too Dean,” Cas replies, more relaxed after gauging Dean’s reaction. “Why are you here?” he questions, discontent on his face, at the implication of Dean’s presence in Heaven currently. 

“Erm, well I kinda died.” He declared sheepishly, tilting his head slightly and running his hand around his neck, squeezing at the nape. 

“I surmised that Dean. But why so soon?” The sass was strong in his response. It always made Dean crook his lips when Cas exhibited human characteristics. 

“It was always going to be like that for me Cas. I wouldn’t know what to do with a normal life. My ending was always going to be the same.” He states, his voice clear and factual. No room for doubt, because that was the truth. Dean never had any illusions of an apple pie life. Maybe, at one stage, he thought about it. Living in the bunker, with Sam and Cas, of the domesticity of it all; but even then, he never had any hopes of it being an actualisable reality. 

“No Dean. You may not have known a normal life. But you deserved the opportunity to find out; to try different things. To be a rock star, or own a bar, or be a cowboy. You always deserved the option. I am sorry that you didn’t get to have that.” Cas had his serious face on, stressing the words, showing Dean he meant every one of them. 

Dean didn’t know what to say to that. He died. There was no changing that. He could see that Cas realised that too. 

“Well, that’s neither here nor there. You are in Heaven now and you get do whatever you please with the rest of your…time. You can have anything you want.” Cas tries to sound reassuring when he speaks. Like he is opening Dean up to the possibility of making a choice based solely on his own wants. 

“Anything I want, huh?” He tested out the words. This was it. This was his moment of truth.

He licked his lips nervously, “what if I wanted you?” he asks tentatively. This was single-handedly the bravest thing Dean has ever done; the one thing entirely for himself. 

“I don’t understand,” Cas replied, scrunching his nose in confusion and slight fear. 

“Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” Dean asked instead of clarifying his previous words. 

There’s space between them now. Cas has backed away, retreating from Dean’s personal space. “I did not want to burden you with my…feelings. Especially when I knew they wouldn’t be reciprocated.”

“How did you know they would be reciprocated?” Dean asked, to which Cas just gave him an ‘are-you-serious-face.’ He wants to know this but he does not want to come off as pushy or aggressive. He doesn’t like people assuming his thoughts and opinions. He was very capable of airing them out when he needed to. 

He sighed in defeat. This is why he came to find Cas; to tell him the truth, to confess, not to interrogate. “You didn’t burden me with your confession Cas. Nothing about you is a burden. Even when I was angry or sad or just… being an asshole, you were never a burden Cas. And I am… sorry, if I ever made you think that is what I thought of you.” He feels his eyes well up, his voice raw but strong. He thinks about how Cas must have felt and it makes him feel horrible, that the angel may have felt sad because of Dean’s attitude. 

“What was a burden,” Dean continues, “was watching the Empty take you away from me. What was a burden, was knowing that you thought I felt nothing. What was a burden, was knowing that I may never get to see you again; that I was never going to be able to tell you that- that-” he stuttered, “erm; that I loved you too.” He is breathing heavily now, rushing to get the words out, to be heard; to be taken seriously, “because I do Cas. I may not have known in that moment. And I may not have shown it. That’s honestly why I have been afraid of coming to see you.” Dean is laying it all out now; the whole truth. With each confession he feels lighter. Every word feels easier to say, easier to admit, easier to share. 

“Because you say that I deserved better than I what I got. But Cas, you going into the Empty; the thought of you suffering in the vast nothingness,” he breathes in through his nose, feeling the loss of Cas all over again, even though the man is standing right in front of him. He struggles to expel the dark thoughts. 

“When I think of you not getting a happy ending; whatever that means. That was torture. I would never be happy here if I knew you were stuck there. Because Cas, you deserve better. You deserve the best. And I was scared that you deserved more than …well…me.” He sees the shock and awe in Cas’ face as he says this. He can see that Cas is hopeful but terrified as to what Dean is building towards.

“I’m tired of pushing things away because I feel like I’m not good enough for them.” It’s the truth. He has lived his whole life protecting his brother, saving the world, denying himself dreams and hopes and aspirations. But Cas; Cas is his first hope, a dream entirely for himself and, “I can’t push you away. Not again. Not ever. So really all I’m asking for is…time…and a chance to treat you better than I did when I was alive. To really be the man you say you love. Because that guy that you say that I am. I want so badly to be him. And I want so badly to be with you, in whatever way you’ll have me.” 

That’s all he has to say and by the end of it Dean feels like he ran a marathon. He is breathing heavily but he is not looking away from Cas. He has been scared plenty in his life, but he needs to face this head on, even if he doesn’t get a good response.

“Dean Winchester, even in death you surprise me.” What was that supposed to mean? What that a yes to Dean’s request? 

“Yes! It would be an honour to be loved by you. To share this part of your…life. I didn’t think I would anything even remotely close to this. I was happy being your friend, even if that was all I ever was.” It’s so heartbreakingly sad to hear Cas say that but instead of responding with words Dean acted, tangling his fingers in Cas ebony hair and bringing his lips to meet Cas. It should have been weird, kissing a man; except it wasn’t, because this wasn’t just any man. It was Cas, his best friend, his Angel, his saviour, and honestly, the greatest love of his life and now his afterlife.

Cas was kissing him back, and it was glorious. Kissing Cas was like a puzzle piece fitting in, completing a picture, completing him. Dean may have missed out on a human life after Chuck. But that was okay, because he had his family and more importantly Cas was there. So whatever mystery the afterlife was going to be, Dean knew they could handle it. For the first time, in a long time, Dean was actually looking forward whatever the future had in store for him.

**Author's Note:**

> This needed to happen because I needed Dean to respond to Cas' epic speech. I needed Cas to get a love speech from Dean. I needed Destiel and I needed Dean to acknowledge some stuff. What did you think?


End file.
